| so we broke up... |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|09:55 pm] |
Yeah. he dumped me 6 days after my birthday and 8 days before Christmas.
I want to show him and everyone that he didn't break me. I haven't cried in from of anyone since I got home and talked to my mom last night... I want to be strong and show that I am okay.
But the second I'm alone, I completely fall apart and cry so hard I almost scream. My heart is broken.
The thing that hurts the most is that he was my best friend, and I told him everything, and he's the only person who could make me feel better again. Talking to him would make me feel like there isn't a huge hole ripped through my stomach. And yet, he's the only one I can't talk to.
When I lost Chris as a friend over the summer, I was completely destroyed and so depressed, and he helped me through it. Now that I've lost him... I feel like there's no one to help me. I know that's not true... I'm home now for Christmas and I'm surrounded by people that love me, but none of them can help me right now. I just keep feeling worse and worse and I don't know how to help myself.
He's the one that made everything else bearable... I need him so much and it's killing me.
I watched Harry Potter on the plane, and since people drop like flies in that movie, it got me thinking... would it be worse if he had died or had been unable to be with me for some less morbid reason? The fact that he decided he doesn't care about me enough to try to fix us... It just hurts so much that he can care so little when I care so much. Is it worse if someone isn't with you by fact or by choice? I think choice is worse... It's terrible to love someone when they don't love you back.
I hope he's hurting as much as I am. He deserves to be in this much pain after treating me so horribly.
Maybe it would be easier if I hated him... but I could never hate him. Even though he was so cold and inconsiderate, I will always remember the good times we had together, before and after we started dating. He was one of my best friends, and I'll never forget him for that. He helped me through so much and I eternally owe him for that. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this without him.
Right now it feels like I will never get over this, but I know I will eventually. I just need to be strong. And maybe distract myself for a while.
I really hope that we can repair our friendship once I'm over him. I would never want to lose him as a friend, he's meant so much to my life. I hope that he wants the same thing, because having him reject me as a friend, too, would be too much to handle. |
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| silent treatment |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|10:04 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | boys, fight, scott | ] |
| [ | location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jenn Grant - Where Are You Now | ] |
Scott was in Florida for the last few days for American Thanksgiving. On Wednesday, I lost my birth control prescription and texted him, freaking out, and he said something about how texts cost him 75 cents each from the States, so he couldn't talk. That was perfectly understandable (although I did get angry about it), but then he didn't talk to me at all for three days. He was even online at the same time as me, and completely ignored me. He flew back to Victoria last night, and sent me one text at about 11pm saying "I'm back now." I wrote back, "Cool" because I was out for nachos with some friends. It just seems completely inadequate that I only get three words (and not even the good three words, haha) after three days of nothing. It feels like this has been one-sided for so long now, and I've been waiting for him to change back into the guy I was dating in the summer. The one that came over to my house every day after work, and called me every day when we were apart. I've been holding on to that for months now, hoping that he'd go back to that. On November 9th, I asked him to call me more. It's been twenty days, and he hasn't called me ONCE. The only time I talked to him on the phone was when I called HIM, and he ended the conversation after two minutes. I know that he's busy, but he's not busy 24/7 for the last 20 days. I've asked him more than once, too, so it's not like he forgot. He just doesn't care. I can't keep doing this to myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|10:27 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | definition | ] |
| [ | location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Owl City - Fireflies | ] |
rash: |ra sh | (noun, adjective)
1. the giant red area on my shoulder.
2. the kind of decisions that I make too often and later regret. |
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| It got worse. |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|01:23 pm] |
Now he's not coming at all. And I think we might break up. And oddly, I'm all right with that. I'm not upset. I'm numb and sorta relieved. I was trying to think of things about him that I would miss... and I could count them all on my hands. Maybe it's for the best.
I'm just worried that I won't find anyone else. It took 18 and a half years for someone I liked to reciprocate any feelings for me for more than one night... what if it takes another 18 for it to happen again?
Today, I should be working on homework, but I think this is a rather good excuse to listen to sad songs and watch Glee (new favourite show, and maybe the only reason I'm not having a mental breakdown right now). I'm definitely not leaving bed. |
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| Bad Mood. |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|10:39 pm] |
Scott won't come for Monday to Wednesday. He's talking about coming just for Wednesday or maybe Tuesday as well. I have class from 11:30 to 7 Tuesdays. I have an hour and a half break in between, and I imagined him working in the library at my school so I could bring my friends to meet him and show him off. If he comes just for Wednesday, I'll only get a few hours with him. I'm not his fuck buddy. I don't understand why he's so reluctant to come here. I don't understand why he's such a fucking shitty boyfriend. It's just been one thing after another for the last few months. I've had to complain and ask for advice from pretty much everyone I know. I really hoped that things would get better after I told him about all of the things bothering me last weekend, and they were better for a while, but now everything is falling apart again and I'm so stressed with school and I can't handle this and I don't know what to do. I know that school has to come first for him and for me, but I really feel like I'm at the very bottom of his priority list. He's going to see Caroline in Nanaimo for three days this week. And he might not even come here for one night. And then next weekend, he's coming here, but he's going to a KISS concert and leaving the next day, so I won't even get to see him. I just.... I want to tell him that I'm not just here for sex or for a place to sleep. If he's not going to put aside time for me, then I don't want him to come here at all. But then, he would get mad, and he wouldn't come at all and that's not what I want because I DO want to see him. I just want to see him for longer than he's coming for. I don't care if he has to do homework here or sleep extra because he wakes up early to catch one of the first ferries, I just want to be with him. And I don't think he feels like that about me. The weekend of our six-month anniversary, he's going to Seattle to see Them Crooked Vultures. I don't care about anniversaries at all, but I mean REALLY. It would be nice if he cared enough to spend that time with me.
I'm just so sick of being so angry at him and crying over him and being so hopeless. Hopelessly in love with a boy who doesn't love me back. |
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| hey vancouver! |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|11:47 pm] |
Hey, Vancouver weather! Stop being so fucking miserable.
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| i don't know... |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|10:58 pm] |
Now Cassie thinks I should break up with him too. If he's not putting me first, it's not worth it for me and I should end it.
I don't know what to do.
The two people whose opinion and advice I value more than any others both think I should dump him. I know that I can't. Or maybe I just don't want to. I love him.
I just... I really hope that things get real better real fast.
On a brighter note, Regina Spektor was fucking amazing. She sang almost every song I wanted to hear, and I cried four times. I love her. I love the world.
Best concert I've seen, hands down. |
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| issues... |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|02:31 pm] |
my mom wants me to break up with him, i think.
the weekend was pretty good, except for last night. I think that my slutty costume really helped. :P but last night i was upset and i wouldn't tell him what was wrong because i didn't want to fight with him about the same thing as always again. then he got upset and wouldn't look at me or talk to me for like 20 minutes until i asked him why he was upset and he said that it was because he knew that something was upsetting me and that I didn't feel like i could talk to him about it. So i was like FINE and told him that it bothered me that he was only coming to see me for one weekend in all of november, and he was going for one night, and he was going to a KISS concert that night so i wouldn't even get to see him. And that it felt like he only came to visit me when it suited him, because last time he came over for a weekend, some of his friends were too and he even brought them over to my house for our house party. And that some of my friend's friends from UVic were coming over to Van for all 5 days of their reading break next weekend, and he wasn't coming for any. And then he got mad because he WAS coming for monday to wednesday, and he expected me to know that although he never told me. And then he said that it wasn't about the not-getting-to-see-each-other thing for him, it was that I "couldn't accept it when he had other plans" and i told him that i don't care if or when he has other plans, its that he doesn't make plans to see me as much as i wish he would. And he got SO ANGRY... like i've never seen him that angry... and he was kicking and punching the bed and the wall all night because he was too tense and couldn't calm down to sleep, and he kept flipping around because he was really restless and jumpy. And then i had to wake up at 7:30 for the ferry, which was when he was finally starting to calm down, so he didn't sleep at all. But i think we're better now, even if its still sorta rough. Like... i saw on facebook that he was friends with one of the guys who was hitting on me in whistler, so i told him that (i wasn't so blunt about it, though) and he got really sarcastic and now he's not even talking to me. AND ALSO on saturday, when i was on the ferry, the ferry dude came on the announcement and said that we were going to be in Schwartz Bay (on the Victoria side) in 15 minutes. and about a minute later he texted me and asked me when i was going to be there, so i told him, and he said that he would have to get gas before he left so it would take him 40 minutes to get there, so i should probably just take the bus, so i said fine, and 40 minutes later, i was still waiting for the bus (which takes AN HOUR) and it was so full that i couldn't sit and i had to listen to the two stupidest girls in the world for all of it. (like... they tried to get on the bus using their UPasses. idiots). It just really annoyed me because he had been awake since 11 and was too lazy or couldn't be bothered to go get gas and be at the ferry terminal on time to pick me up. Every time I go over there, I have to wait for ages for him to get me because he doesn't leave his house until i'm getting off the ferry. And i don't know... that shows me that maybe he really doesn't care that i'm even there, or that he's not very excited to see me. On a brighter note, though, saturday night and sunday afternoon were very good, and he acted almost like a real boyfriend, so that's a little bit of hope. We hung out with a bunch of his friends though, including Alan and his girlfriend, and Alan took off his shoes and walked in his socks because his gf's feet hurt, and i felt like scott wouldn't even think of that. remember when my feet hurt for the prom recreation? i'm pretty sure he laughed. And also alan had his arm around her or held her hand the whole night, and scott barely even touched me. like... Liam had to come over and ask us why we were sitting on opposite ends of the couch because it looked really awkward. Like... its fine if he doesn't want to do the whole PDA thing around his friends, but COME ON. that is just pathetic.
On another note, though, my Halloween was awesome. Saturday night, I was hanging out with eight guys, two of which I have slept with. Fantasticness.
Here's me from Friday night. I'm afraid that there are no photos in existence of me from Saturday night, except for that creepy dude that took a pic of me when I was walking home.
There might be some more pics of me from Friday up in the next few days. |
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| oh god... |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|03:48 pm] |
Just realized that my boyfriend kind of sucks. Like... there are definitely moments where I think he's the greatest person ever. But there are way more moments where I am so angry and need to talk to my friends about it. Especially recently. I just don't know what to do. I definitely don't want to walk away from this yet, but I don't know how to get him to step it up. Every time I try to talk to him about something that bothers me, he blows up and gets so angry. I just... I hate it. And I don't know what to do. |
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| :( |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|10:12 am] |
Last night was not a good night in Heather-town. I still feel so upset.
Here's what went down:
From Scott, 8:47 PM Thurs. Oct. 29
--I wish you were coming here tomorrow. That’d be so awesome.
Why? What’s tomorrow?
--My Halloween. I’ve got three, maybe four parties.
Cool. Are you not coming here?
--Yeah I will on Saturday. But you should come here Friday.
But the Olympic torch is coming through campus during the rail jam.
--Haha okay if you’d rather do that.
It’s pretty legit.
--Too legit to quit? My slutty costume is pretty legit as well.
Yeah. Score.
--:P so you should come here.
But rail jam!
--Fineeee. I gave up Rocky Horror though. PS: Sex with a terrorist? :O you’d better be watching the Office.
Yeah I’m watching it.
--Good. So it’s no for tomorrow?
No. I’ve got too much work to do.
--Yeah.
From Scott, 12:18 AM Fri. Oct. 30
Going to bed, good night.
--I can’t sleep.
Why?
--Things on my mind.
Anything I can do?
--You could explain why you’d rather see a bit of fire than me tomorrow. Cause I’m having a hard time understanding.
So you want me to give up previous plans and valuable work time to go to Van for one night to see you when you’re coming here the next day?
--It just seems kinda unfair to me.
How the hell is it unfair? I’m having a lot of trouble understanding where you’re coming from.
--Because I’m giving up my plans to go there. Because you asked me to.
I asked you two weeks ago. Not the day before. If you’d rather do your plans, I didn’t force you to give them up.
--More like two days ago. Two weeks ago, you blew up at me because you were going to go to a club and I thought you didn’t want me there.
Today was the first day I got the impression you wanted me to. At no point did I say I was going to a club, I said it was a possibility. I don’t know how many times I have to say that. I might as well give up. This is bullshit.
--Okay well I took it as a probability and you didn’t bring it up again until I told you that I had other plans. Fine. Give up.
What the fuck do you want me to do? Argue with you through texts all night?
--No.
Then what do you want?
--I don’t know. I didn’t want to make you angry. And I didn’t really think you would come here tomorrow. I just wanted to try.
Then you shouldn’t get pissed at me for not jumping on the ferry. I’m going to sleep. |
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| seriously, i'm okay. |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|11:10 pm] |
I'm all right. Just so you guys know. I am ridiculously stressed, but i'm not going to have a breakdown or anything. It's really nice to see that people worry about me (it shows me that they care), but i'm really okay. |
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| crazy week... |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|10:27 am] |
This is what I have to do this week:
AAAAAAH. |
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| so stressed... |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|09:58 am] |
My camera is finally working again! Yayyyyy.
I bought my halloween costume (or, most of it). I'm being a sparkly blue butterfly.
Anyways, that's all I have time for, because I have to go to schooooool and go to two classes and print a contact sheet and give a presentation and fight with the librarian because my book was NOT late. etc. It'll be a long day.
<3 |
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| the sims are taking over.... |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|03:28 pm] |
So I had my Design Culture midterm this morning. It went alright... can't complain. I forgot the term "planned obsolescence", but I described it. And I only got half of the stuff for Scandinavian Modern right. Ohhh well. Could have done worse. I was talking to people afterwards that didn't even know what planned obsolescence was.
Anyways, I got home feeling good but tired, so I finished my laundry that I started this morning (still haven't put it away, though), hard boiled some eggs (one exploded, photo below), and played some good ol' Sims 3. I made a new family. The couple's names are Ellis and Siobhan Buchanan. They like gingham and gardening and reading and plan on having five kids. They just had their first, a girl named Devorah (can you tell I like odd names?), whose favourite colour (and colour of her room) is irish green. Siobhan is an excellent cook and she cleans neurotically and Ellis is a scientist. They live in a little two-bedroom house near a farm, only two blocks away from a river where Ellis can teach his sons (and daughters, if they're interested) to fish. I love 'em!
Anyways, here's my epic fail of an egg. It's still good for egg salad though!
Now I'm going to make a sandwich and go back to school to make an umbrella in OpenGL. Wooooot fun.
Also, if anyone wants to buy me a Christmas present, I reeeeeeally want either an old typewriter or a Snuggie. Ideally both.
<3 |
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| sorry! |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|06:48 pm] |
I realize that this blog has been SERIOUSLY neglected even though i promised that I would post every day. I'm so sorry! I have my midterm for design history tomorrow morning, so I'm spending the night cramming, so I can't write much, but I just wanted to explain why I'm gone. I'll write lots more once this stuff slows down.
I'm realizing now how crucial snack food is to intense study sessions. I've got almonds, pistachios, junior mints, and three kinds of cookies all on the go. Yes, three kinds of cookies. And I also have ridiculously-amazing-sandwich supplies in my fridge that I bought today. That will be my break in about an hour.
<3 youuuuuu. |
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| the weekend! |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|04:16 pm] |
I'm in Victoria and the livin's goooooooooooooood. |
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| room clean before & after |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|12:42 am] |
As promised, I took before and after pictures of my room cleaning escapades. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but at least it's something.
Dresser area:
Before:
After:
Bed area:
Before:
After:
Desk area:
Before:
After:
yay for productivity! I just finished packing for Victoria so now I'm going to sleeeeeep. for like... six hours. yay. Good night all. |
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| fight II |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|04:49 pm] |
okay... now we're not good.
Scott and I fought again today. He went out to a club last night and got drunk and forgot about his midterm that he was supposed to write this morning, which he wrote hung over. I said something about how he didn't seem to care about transferring to UBC, and then he blew up and said it wasn't my business. Later, after I apologized for being out of line, he said that he wasn't going to be a dick and say I couldn't come to Victoria, but I really don't think he wants me there. I don't know if I'll still go... I need to think about this.
Since then, I listened to angry covers of sad songs while walking home, made very manly soup (prime rib), and watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Now I just really feel like falling asleep but I'm going to put on some laundry and maybe work on some other things from my list of to do. |
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| boyfriend |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|10:22 am] |
So... Scott did this really awesome thing on Monday and I want to talk about it.
I was in Whistler all weekend, with some friends from school, and he was in Portland for Thanksgiving. We hadn't seen each other for two whole weeks, and he wanted me to come this weekend but I wasn't sure if I could, in which case, we would have gone five weeks without seeing each other. SO on his way back to Victoria from Portland, he decided to surprise me at my house. He sent me a text when he was a block away and said to open my door in 30 seconds. Best. Surprise. Ever. It made me so happy, even though he could only stay for a little over two hours.
And even though we had a fight yesterday, I DON'T CARE, because I still think that we're good.
( the fight... ) |
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| day at a glance |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|10:13 am] |
Good morning cyberspace!
Today is going to be a very busy and very fun-filled day. I woke up to the sun shining, the asian construction workers next door talking very loudly and hammering things, and the people who live upstairs stomping on the floor directly above my bed. Lovely.
But actually, I AM in a good mood and I DO have a lot to do today:
1. Go to Design Core class. Hand in project proposal.
2. Put away last week's laundry.
3. Do this week's laundry.
4. Organize desk (finally).
5. Put up posters and photos (finally).
6. Work on photography presentation/ study for Design Culture midterm next week.
7. Buy more film to take to Victoria.
8. Pack for Victoria.
9. Go to sleep at a decent hour so that I'm not exhausted for my travels tomorrow.
So that should be super dee duperly fun. I'll take before and after pictures of my room to show how bad it really is. |
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